Raptor Report: 2/12

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Annalisa Klein| Commentary Editor

-The British House of Commons approved same-sex marriage last week. What a glorious day! Now homosexuals can have the same rights as heterosexuals; the right to make each other miserable and unhappy. In all seriousness, I support your rights. We are all equal and deserve happiness. I personally believe happiness comes from something with a little less commitment but you should have the right to choose the life you want to live. First England, then America.

-Destiny’s Child has reunited and it feels so good. Kelly, Michelle, and Mrs. Jay-Z graced our screens on Superbowl Sunday with something called class. I know the Miley’s of the world might not know what that is. (It is called a dictionary. Buy one) The concert was divine and far too short. New Kids on the Block need to stop touring and Destiny’s Child needs to start. Can I get a swap, please? One question. What the hell was that weird leg stomping thing Beyonce did? I have a feeling we will be seeing it in all the clubs soon. What people lack in originality, they make up for in imitation.

-Hilary Clinton is no longer the Secretary of State. Madame Clinton was replaced by John Kerry. It’s like the battle of presidential rejects! Why would you appoint someone who wasn’t good enough as determined by the American population, for a position that requires so much…finesse. Let’s hope he doesn’t flip-flop when talking to foreign officials as well. Who knows? it might make for some really good comedy.

-OH NO! Someone called Chris Christie fat. Surprise, surprise. A blind man can see that. Seriously. (They can use their hands, right?) Well, since we can all deduce that piece of common knowledge, what’s the uproar? A former White House doctor has commented on our rotund Governor’s hefty weight. Our poor version of a Governator told him to shut up. I wonder just how extensive this man’s insult vocabulary goes.

-It’s been a while since I’ve last written you so it might make sense to bring up the fact that KIM KARDASHIAN IS PREGNANT WITH KANYE WEST’S BABY! WHAT?!?!?! Did I do something wrong? What kind of cruel and unusual punishment is this? Do I care that she has his bun in her oven?  No. Do I care that it’s all over my 6 o’clock news? Very much so. I don’t care about Ms. Lohan, or Bella and Robert Pattinson breaking up. I care about the bombings in [insert war-torn country here]. The only celebrity I want on my news is Ryan Gosling…professing his love for me. (Can I just will it into existence?)

This week can be nothing but positive with the progressive advancement on the equality front.

Happy day. See you next week!

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